Appeasement and Identity

The other day, our office librarian was telling me ‘My mom feels my voice is a bit authoritative and clamorous. She wants it to be a bit yielding and soft coz it may imperil myself getting betrothed and my fiancée may not like it’ I told her ‘This is pretty absurd. I feel your USP is your voice. It has a subtle distinction of bringing the listeners under your control and is quite captivating. Why do you have to tone it down to appease your mom? Every one is unique in their own respect, be yourself and whats inherent in you is gonna stand out even if you try to curb it. You may live without it but it is not where your heart goes.’

I was awe struck coz I said the word ‘appeasement’. Was it me? Do I deserve to say that? When I did introspect, I found that most of us try to appease some one. Considering myself, I was (am) a sports buff. I was pretty decent in chess and badminton. I asked my dad in my school days whether I could become a Vishy or a Prakash one day in future. Dad gave a wry smile, ‘Something is easier said than done. Considering the Indian scenario where only cricket is a religion (those days in India sports meant only cricket except for a few glitches somewhere in other sports), do you think as a middle class family leader, I can afford you to have a very good coach or rope in a sponsor to foster your career.’ He was telling about the intricacies of what I could face and the cons when I don’t succeed. I couldn’t help but accede to his thoughts and atleast appease him by studying well, coz, afterall he is the one who has brought me up and who showers unrequited love on me. Like so many of us I became a needle in the stack, studied well and joined a good college to pursue my engineering studies. But, whenever I grasped a shuttle racket during that period, my heart pounded ‘Have I missed something?’

In my college days, I turned my attention to cricket and football apart from studies. Though I didn’t play these much since I was inept, I had a pretty sound knowledge of these and started watching matches more for fun. I admired the presentators and the host coz they were like me, who never excelled in sport but who still became one of the most talked abouts. They became my heroes and on came my next aspiration, ‘I wanna be a Harsha Bhogle or John Dykes.’ This time I was pretty confident that I could become one coz I had the knowledge and the skill to back. But the aspirations were again put to rest by mom, ‘Now you have reached this level. Papa gonna retire very soon. So you better get placed in a good company and stand on your feet before nurturing your dreams.’ True indeed, my father was in the fag end of his career, more over I had a brother who was still in school. Again for the sake of appeasement, my forte remained dormant and became one of those millions in the software industry. Another chance to be one among the elite got ripped of its buds and I became a drop in the ocean.

My future might glow well here and I would have done justice to my parents dreams of me earning well and getting settled in life. But what I have done is just curbing my instincts to appease them. Now I am earning and have started a living of my own. I still can become the person I want, but what about the persons who don’t get a chance now. They would have yearned for a career in music, films, sports, literature and arts, but would have been doing something just for bucks. So is appeasement right (is it the right word) or is it obligation? It is a pretty tough question to answer. It may be right in one sense since we are obliged to the persons who have lived for us and it is quite natural for anyone to enliven them. It would be a fruitful attempt too when you are trying to woo a person of the other sex and courting their favor requires much more than appeasement alone. Moreover money is always a deciding factor and you have to churn it out in larger numbers to make the ends meet.

On the other hand, dreams of joining the likes of Sachin, Rahul, Sania, Harsha Bhogle, Arundhati Roy, Kiran Bedi, T.N.Seshan etc as cult icons are submerged under this and most of us end up in doing mundane activities. In the end one may ask, ‘Am I selfish, I have taken so much from this world. What I have done to give back my fellow country men or the world rather? How have I stood apart and Why I haven’t been able to translate the lives of many people?’

The ramifications of this question is pretty much deep, so many things to change, education system, policing, bureaucracy, government giving requisite incentives and proper motivations to people dwelling in fields other than academics…….. But the irony is that even in academics pretty scanty is the investment in research and because of the meager amount you are paid not many people set their foot in and we are lagging way behind in invention and innovation.

In a broader perspective, take the case of India-US Nuke deal a raging controversy still discussed in nook and corner of the country. Are we really trying to appease the Big Brother? Are we playing a second fiddle in extending their clout in this world or is it just an entente? Again the answer can be both affirmative and derogatory. Considering Pakistan (one of US’ major nuclear allies), Iran’s position in the Middle East and how its getting nuclear can put India in jeopardy, our dependence on the millions of revenues earned from ITES, competition from China etc…….. we may be right since we have to thrive. Again with our economy booming, we slowly becoming a market hub with spurting advances in retail and telecom and with so many FIIs and FDIs zeroing in here, do we need a person to hold our hand to carry us forward?

The question still looms large and one may ask, ‘Can this (as the famous movie tagline goes) ‘Change the system before it changes you.’ happen? Are we losing our real self and becoming a shadow of numerous others and driven by the persons whom we are bounded to? When does appeasement end and when are we gonna do out of the box thinking?

The Sweetest Thing

‘Insomniacs don’t sleep because they worry about it and they worry about it because they don’t sleep’

Part I – My New Year Resolution
Dec 31, 2005 Saturday nite., New year was juz abt to blossom. I had sent wishes 2 all my close pals. Standing on my house verandah, i was contemplating a new year resolution, only the second of such a kind i had ever thought about. The 1st was the one which i had taken last year 'Never take a resolution this year', which i had sincerely kept n went on doing all the filthy things in life thro out the year. Being a pragmatist, this time i thought abt some useful thing which i can sincerely pursue. Suddenly an idea cropped up. Of late i hadnt been sleeping well. So the thing went like this 'See to it that i get adequate sleep every nite'. Went 2 beach, took some snaps n came back. Saw the clock, the time was 2 a.m. I had never ever made up my bed neat. I could see the 'jollu' (tamil slang for the saliva spit by us in sleep) beautifully inaned to the pillow cover and trying to change its texture (circular, elliptical.... man its really amazing) n the pictureseque beauty that it collectively formed after each sleep. Only God knows how much shit it contain. I can easily argue that atleast i am liking this sustenance job (for the organisms) more than the one which i do in office.

I have this inherent habit of hearing lullabies before sleep. In college resources were aplenty for that even in day time. Lectures turn into lullabies and as always professor is some one who always talk in some one else’s sleep. The moment you take a book in hand during night you are immediately drawn into utopia. But I see to it that I carry huge books so that I can safely rest my head upon it. Never felt like I was deprived of sleep during those golden days. So thought of reading some thing to make me somnolent and plugged the head fones of my roomies’ mobile onto my ear.

I didn’t know when I had slept, the lights were turned off and the book replaced, when a familiar voice woke me up ‘Come on man! Its gonna be your day, Plz wake up’. All the people were sleeping and still the voice is coming from some where. I realized that its coming from my roomies’ mobile, he had set it as an alarm tone with his own voice recorded. Looked @ my watch. 6.30 a.m. Ouch!!! Another gud nite’s sleep lost. Turned off the alarm. My other room mate was already up awake.

‘When did you sleep?”
“12.30”
“Hey its only 6.30. A normal person needs 7-8 hours sleep. Why are you depriving yourself of it?”
“I am not a normal person” ( He being a “Kaakha Kaakha” fan)
“Hey, you are an exact replica of Surya man” (He was blushing)
After a second, I threw “S.J. Suryah”. There was a sudden change in his facial expresion. Trying to appease him, I changed the topic, “Sorry for that. Lets come to the point. Though its mundane, it’s the sweetest thing that we do. I have seen so many insomniacs who are yearning to get a gud nite’s sleep. The number of hours that we sleep is very less. It’s the only thing that rejuvenates us and increases our productivity and relieves us from the enormous stress that we undergo. ”

“You are only partially right. The quality of sleep also matters a lot. To be short you shouldn’t be doing all the things that you are doing now before sleep”

“Create a sleep conducive environment that is dark quiet and cool, u loafer u sleep with the lights turned on thus disturbing the other guy also. Finish eating atleast two hours before bed time, whereas you hog whenever you get a chance even when its juz before sleep. Sleep on a comfortable mattress. The pillow covers and the bed sheets should be neat and should be basking under sun’s rays to bereave itself of all the microbes that you are providing fodder for. I have never seen you washing or replacing it. Maintain a regular bed and wake time schedule. Though its quite tough for us, we can stick to it if we think we can. Establish a regular relaxing bedtime routine such as reading a book or listening to soothing music, but not in the way you do. Fagging close to bedtime can lead to poor sleep. Gulping caffeine, tea, soft drinks and alcohol keeps you awake and so does munching chocolate. I have seen you doing atleast one of these.”

He then taught me the intricacies of sleep, how dreams are generated, what they signify, Rapid Eye Movement sleep and non REM sleep etc. Apart from insomnia he told me about other sleep disorders like Sleep Apnea (Obstructive Snoring) and Nacrolepsy (excessive day time sleep). Napping is useful, but one should avoid napping since it is an indicator that we are not getting adequate sleep in the nights. He was getting too technical that by the time he completed his lecture I was caught napping. But I could get in heart the point he is trying to underscore. Sleep is important. It’s the sweetest thing that we do daily. I should not rob myself from doing it. I should savor every moment of it and dream like no one has ever done in their life (For only in dreams proposals become easy, Chiding your boss becomes natural, The world becomes fun to live in and almost everything turns exotic and romantic). So I was quite proud of myself in adopting such a wonderful resolution.

Being the first day of the year and that too a Sunday, I had planned to go for a movie with my college mates. Movie, though it was one of the crappiest I have ever seen I had a good time with all the people. After that we had a good chat in one of my friends’ houses and by the time I returned to my house I found that the clock had struck one. But this time I made my bed quite neat, thanks to my roomies’ advice and thought of keeping in mind what he said that morning and promised to keep my resolution intact. I told myself ‘Sweet dreams man (both of my roomies were sleeping like they have never slept before). You gonna make it big in life’



Part-II
Aftermath the truncated sleep

Jan 2 Morning. Woke up very early (at 7.30:-)). I cursed the mobile alarm. Its one of the most irritating sounds. What to do, a mail had come from my GL last Friday that every project member should be sharp @ 9 from this year to work. I was greatly perturbed by the fact. After all, at the end of the day we have to see to it that we work for 8 hours and get the job done. The hang over was still there and coz of inadequate sleep, it was still loitering around my eyes. Feeling the Monday blues, i rushed to office. I made it some how by time and finally swiped on to my work haven. Hardly i would have got seated, a call comes from PL. Another important assignment and another deadline by the end of the day.

I have jotted down the happenings thereafter.

1. Skipped breakfast (I argue with others about the importance of breakfast and its link to good health), since I had to expedite my job.
2. Conveyed my gud mornings and have a nice day wishes to all my team members who happened to come on the way to my seat.
3. Took a comfortable position in the chair
4. Checked mail.
5. Took a hard copy of the requirements and the work to be completed (huh!!! quite a lengthy one). Started to yawn.
6. Read over the assignment carefully and made certain i understand it.
7. It was 11. Walked down to the vending machines and sipped some coffee to help me concentrate and get rid of my rising appetite and arouse me from the drowsiness.
8. Stopped off at another floor, on the way back and check with my college mate who is there in the same office. After that checked with my team mate. He hasn't started the work yet. We both walked to cafeteria and buy a sandwich to help me concentrate more.
Had he told that he’s about to complete his part, I would have dropped that plan
9. Got back to my resting place sat in a straight position in the chair and checked mail.
10. Glanced over the assignment again to make absolutely certain i understand it. (Yawn galloped over and still was not able to grasp it).
11. Checked mail.
12. Suddenly remembered that I hadn't given a report (due on Friday) to the client for whom, am doing production support. Thought I 'd better sent that now and get it out of my mind so that i can concentrate.
13. The report was done. Suddenly there was an urge to leak. Went to loo. I thought of the slogan ‘Come with pressure and Go with pleasure’. It brought a smile to my face.
14. After that, wanted to listen to an inspirational song. So attached a head set to my comp. That was it. ‘Seriously, as soon as it's over i gonna start the work.’
15. Checked mail.
16. Rearranged all the papers into an alphabetical order and get some physical movement.
17. Called the same team mate on the other side of my quadrant and enquired if he's started yet. Exchanged derogatory remarks about my PL, the deadline, the company and the software job at length.
18. Slamming the phone down, again took a straight, comfortable position in the chair.
19. Brought all my thoughts to focus and read over the assignment again. Was Still feeling sleepy.
20. Pondered about the movie, its characters and yearned to have a wife as beautiful as the gorgeous heroine. Was about to fall asleep. A window suddenly popped up on the screen without my intervention (Thanks to Instant messaging in intranet) ‘Oye, its.1.30, chale,lunch time’. A pal from my training days was pestering me. Realised without any input I wont be able to give any output. Nodded to his call.
21. Took a small walk (for about half an hour) to abstain from sleep. Quickly surfed thro the newspaper in library to make sure i aint missing anything truly worthwhile.
22. Came back and again took a comfortable position. Checked mail and found that an important corporate announcement had come.
23. Like a reflex action I dialled the 4 digit extension number of my team mate and discussed about it.
24. Sat down and brooded over the plans for the future, MBA, onsite etc. Thought, ‘Slowly am getting back to normal condition’.
25. Checked mail.
26. 3.30. Back to machine again to have some coffee. It was really invigorating and again ran into my college mate.
27. 4.00 Read over the assignment one last time, just for heck of it. Found it to be astoundingly simple and wondered why did i think it as unfathomable at one point. 31. Suddenly i realised that i hadnt moved an inch since morning.
28. 4.15 PL turned up and enquired about the progress. I gave a silly pretext.
29. Face down i moaned and finally put my hands on the keyboard.
30. Checked for possible alternatives (i.e. any other solution already available, to do CTRL-C and CTRL-V). Checked with my team mate again on this regard
31. No affirmative reply. So started thinking about the work finally and had become a paranoid in no time.
32. 10.15 PL came around. Put up an apology, "Actually its pretty difficult, will finish it in an hour" (Was pretty confident that he actually was nescient ).
35. 12 Finally everything was done and delivered to PL as well as client
36. 1.30, Found my self in room again after munching some junk foods. Roomies were already on time for bed. Read and slept.

Next morning, I complained to my roomie ‘After all its not entirely my fault. I wont get adequate sleep as long as I am doing this job and a foolish, lazy bucker is heading me. I wont be able to return in time to sleep.’ I was consoling myself, ‘Resolutions are meant to be broken’.